i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
