so that wasnt chicken after all
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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