So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
