I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
