I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
