Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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