The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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