plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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