while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
