i permit you to call me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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