My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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