he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
