I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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