Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
