do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
