The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
