I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
