I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
