We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
