My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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