id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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