I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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