I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I'm having to shit out rocks
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
