I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
