I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
