Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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