Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
