Can i not drive my cunt home
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
