My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
