Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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