Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
