He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
