cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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