drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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