Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
