My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
