i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
