just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
