I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
