Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The adults are the big ones right?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
