i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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