I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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