hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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