Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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