remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
