I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
