Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So many bounce houses so little time
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Randomize
