if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
