saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
