someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
