Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
