if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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