omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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