I hate your face
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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