i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize