Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
