I love black thongs
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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