are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This baby is an asshole
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
