Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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